I’m Revolutionary

“I’m a Revolutionary. I’M revolutionary.”

To this, amorously,
He looked at me.
He said my voice is too sweet
to be taken seriously.
He chuckled, then
He kissed me.

It’s true, I have the voice of a Child.
I have the Spirit of one too.

What do you see when you see me?

Do you see a Warrior?
An Evangelist?
Is it a Lady you see?

How about,
An Anarchist?
A Communist?
A Socialist?
All things They told me/ “taught” me
NOT to be…

Because I CHOOSE to LIVE DIFFERENT-ly?
To Live my Life greatly. Not “decently?”

What do you see when you look at me?

“Go to school. Work hard. Make a decent living,” They said. So, I was always good at school, but guess what? I sucked at life when I graduated Wesleyan University. School never taught me any of the things I needed to know to be a Player in Their Game. How to really succeed. How to Thrive. Balance a checkbook, pay rent or how to save to buy, get a loan, maintain “good credit” or build it… Instead, I learned, or rather by NOT learning, by NOT being taught the skills I needed to claim the Sultana’s throne, I was Made… to FALL IN LINE.

System FAIL. I have never fallen in line. From ice skating to ballet to science class, pre-K to University, then on to every job I have ever held, my teachers, my peers and my bosses, to my mother will attest, I have always talked back. I have always been “too smart for [my] own good,” as if “too smart” could not be good. I am a Bitch. A Boss Bitch. A Bad Bitch. A Warrior and a Winner. I’m nice, and I’m polite, an educated Woman, I’m a nurturer, I’m a Lady. I’m an Adventurer, a Trail Blazer and a Visionary, I’m a Taker and a Giver, I’m a Teacher, I’m a Student, I’m an Athlete, I’m a Lover…

I’m Bianca Sultana. Translation: I Am The White Queen.

I chose LIFE over DEATH when I left the West. I traded the First World, for the Third World when I moved from New York to Nicaragua (with a pit stop in South Florida – two moves I made alone). I play to live, I won’t work to die. Now, a million misadventures and tiny blessings fill my days.

Here’s how I’ll leave you today:

1. Question everything They say.
2. Make your own way.
3. Buy a plane ticket and with me, come to stay.

You may just find that you, too, like life better this way. I live Everyday Better, so everyday is the best day of my life!

Join the movement.

Together in Health, in Love and in Life!
xob

I Like You. But I Like Him Too.

You haven’t chose me. We’re not married. But, you see me with another man and you want to lay claim over me? Why must you possess me and not enjoy me in the time we share together. The time I gift you. Because, you see….

I like you.

But, I like him too.

I have said it many times, there is a position open in my life for ONE Man. I thrive in a relationship. It is natural for me to care for you thoroughly. To feed you, caress you, take care of you, are all the things I love to do. But, I am single and in the past, my MO is to get into monogamous relationships with the first boy that doesn’t mind when I stick around longer than a night or two. These relationships all seem to last two years, which leaves me two years older. So, now, I am the picker and I won’t settle for comfort when that which I seek is love that is true.

I have loved, but I don’t know whether I have ever been in love. To be in love, I believe, is a two-way street and there has not been a man in my life that has loved me in the same capacity that I have shown.

Recently, the way in which I love has changed. I have learned that to love is to appreciate and not to possess. There was a time I strangled love to death. Fear of love lost drove me toward possession. But, people are not possessions and love is the antithesis of fear. My love is free because I love freely.

“A rose possessed will always die.”

Together in Love!
xob

Home For The Holidays

As I sit here on the bus in San José, Costa Rica headed for Manuel Antonio for the holiday, I cannot help but reflect on the difference between traveling alone in Central this Spring and getting around this part of the world today. At 6 AM, my friend Eduardo picked me up at my home in San Juan and we headed for the frontera; thirteen hours of travel by car, two busses and a taxi and I expect to be seated at Las Gemeles on Manuel Antonio beach in time for a late dinner!

“Yo soy Nica ahora.” That means, “I’m Nicaraguan now!”

Well, not quite (yet). But, I feel at home in this part of the world. For two months this Spring I traveled from Nicaragua throughout Costa Rica. I didn’t know a lick of Spanish when I arrived on March 18th, yet within one week, you would have thought I at least had an elementary Spanish education in school. Today, I have officially been living in San Juan del Sur, Nicaragua for 9 weeks. I have spent one-third of 2014 in Central America. I still haven’t taken a Spanish lesson, yet my Spanish gets better everyday (because I care). I can more than get by most anywhere and have full conversations with the people I love.

When I landed in Managua in March, I felt an immediate draw right out of the gate. If you have ever flown into Nicaragua, you know the area surrounding the airport is not particularly desirable. Yet, as soon as my feet touched the land, the energy of the country resonated through me. I am not here to party, though our fiestas are truly epic! I am not here for the surf, though our waves rival any in the world, and our lineup is a candy store of the most beautiful men I have ever laid eyes on. I am here because I love the culture, the people and the land. I am here because I wished for it and the Universe made it so.

A self-proclaimed orphan, I am overwhelmed with the closeness of the family unit in Central. A closeness extended to friends. Before I arrived here, I never quite felt right where I was. New York didn’t suit me at all and had I not been crippled by fear, I may have left much sooner. People don’t look up to greet one another when they walk in the streets and NYC life seems to perpetually revolve around a biweekly payday; a churning that never lets up. Never again will I subscribe to ten vacation days and two sick days per year; living for the weekend to drink away the stress of the week indoors at a bar? What a waste! South Florida was better; with room to bike, wake, surf and play on the beach, I reveled in the sunlight, learned to mountain bike and spear fish, fell for a man with rough hands I named Alligator Hands, with whom I contracted odd jobs in construction, used power tools, took my driving test in a pickup truck, cooked on a mega yacht, and first-mated a 78′ Marlow. There is nothing I cannot do and no opportunity I am closed off to.

I’d say I did South Florida right, I stayed off the strip in Miami and settled in beautiful Fort Lauderdale. More than NYC, FTL is the closest I have found to home in the States. Still, something wasn’t right. After two years, Florida didn’t feel like forever. If New Yorkers are consumed with money, South Floridians are consumed with appearances (even the “appearance” of money). I want more for my life than satisfaction over my reflection in the mirror and stockpiles of flammable paper in the bank. A simple life! I like my toys and my boys, and love is my only true wish. Today, many of my closest friends are native Nicaraguan and Costa Rican. When I’m sick, they are the first to call, when I need a ride or a hand or a shoulder, mi nuevos amigos show up unannounced at my door. I feel blessed to be adopted into such a beautiful culture. Now, I will spend Christmas in Costa Rica, where my friends are my family.

I am home for the holidays!

Together in Health! In Love! And in Life!

xob

Only You

By far, the MVP on your team is YOU. Others will question you, test you, take from you, and use you… Few will Believe in You, keep Few close. Let your God be your guide and stay rooted in your conviction as your Future is YOURS to write and your Present is YOURS to Live and to Love.

Recently, I made some decisions to change my life. I took action in pursuit of a Dream in which I Believe. In just two weeks from the job offer to my flight, I sold what I could and abandoned the rest. “They are just ‘things’,” I reminded myself, worthless possessions, STUFF I do not need. I moved myself, my dog and only that which I could carry to run a retreat center for yoga, surf and adventure in San Juan del Sur, Nicaragua.

(If anyone is curious where that is, it is where the current Survivor was filmed. It is a place rich in culture, music, beauty and food. It is the very place I began my journey in March of this year. It is the place where I fell in Love and where I wished to return. I am here. I Live Here.)

But nothing worthwhile in life comes without challenges, as success is Earned and not “deserved” (note back to the blog post I wrote several months ago about this word, “deserve.”) And since before my arrival, facing “challenges” on this particular path has been a recurring game, in which difficulty tells me I am but a pawn, but wisdom assures me I am the Queen. How am I to earn your Trust? To secure your Faith in my Vision and my Ability? Will you Love me? Follow me? Serve me? Not undermine me?

I have crossed language barriers, been met with venomous creatures and flying mice (turns out Batman is more of a house mouse with wings, then a muscle-y man I would want by my side), gripe (Spanish for the flu has plagued me)… But no challenge is as great as the clash of the Ego(s). WHO is in charge? WHO is the Boss? WHO knows best? WHO is a sound owls make. I cannot change your mind or make you do as I please. I have only control over one thing: Me. So, to Me and to You I say, “get our of your own way for your own good!”

Keep going. Never stop. Yours is a path worth traversing cavernous mountains, crocodile-laden rivers, and valleys as great and your gaze…

BELIEVE.

Together in Health! In Life! And in Love!
xob

Now And Forever

Hello? Are you there?

Sometimes I get sad that I haven’t met the man I am supposed to marry. I don’t want to bike, swim, hike, run alone. I want to fall in love with my best friend, a man who will appreciate the finer things in life: a sandy bum, a perfect swell, the smell of salt water and sunscreen, the way the heart dances between your throat and your stomach on a mountain bike trail, bike dancing on a Friday night… I don’t need money, I don’t crave things. Designer handbags no longer speak me. I prefer a truck to Lamborghini, and a date under shooting stars then to a Five Star. I have traveled all over the world, backpacking on my budget and jet setting on his, I know which way is better. I want good love and good love making, good food, good health…

And good friends! I have been in South Florida exactly two years and I haven’t found them yet. Tonight I overheard a girl say, “look for the bar with the fanciest cars out front, because that is where the nicest people will be” and, “he’s a nice guy, he’ll buy you jewelry.” But jewelry doesn’t fool me. I am living surrounded by stuff, things, materialism… I am drowning in this noise!

In New York, it was all about money, how much you have and making more. There’s no end to how much you “need,” no amount is ever enough. New Yorkers live on a hamster wheel that never lets up, working, churning for two weeks of vacation a year, ten-fourteen days of freedom, of peace, striving for a “future” that never comes because greed is a hole that can never be filled. But, in South Florida, it’s all about appearances. “Looking” good or “looking” rich – he drives a Ferrari, but he also sleeps in it! She’s beautiful, a surgeon sculpted her. INauthentic would best describe these people, this place.

From NYC fashionista to fitness model to country girl to jungle child. I long for the rip tide ride of Maderas and to be high on the clouds from the mountains above Allejuela.

Happiness is

I am constructing me

I am the child I have always been. And yet… I’m not the girl I used to be. I live everyday better, so I am ever evolving into the woman I will one day be. I am constructing me.

My wants, my needs, my values… They’ve changed. My path veers in the night, just off to the right…

Last night, I saw a side of me that still needs work. I wish I held no judgment, but I do. I judged you. And I can’t say that I was wrong for doing so, and I can’t take it back because I still firmly believe in my impression of you. Dear God, I am sorry for this imperfection I hold. Help me be better. Help me to grow.

I am a work in progress. I am a construction zone.

On this trip that I am on, I will be tested, there’s no question. Some may see me. For those who do, I welcome you. I’ll be on my path, just right of you.

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Note: I wrote this post back on May 22nd of this year, alone in my room on my first night in Harbour Island, Bahamas. This picture was taken earlier that day with the group of women I had just met at the private jet airport in Miami moments before takeoff and before my nightmare that was Hell Island.

That’s me at the top of the stairs sharing my PEACE (ironic and yet, not at all)! For those who remember, I did not fly home on this plane, nor with this group. Below: solo, commercial…

ME. May 25, 2014.

 

Together in Health!

xob